Today was the first day officially back in the office in the City. The brutally long commute, the train, the battle with tourists in Times Square. I knew immediately when I boarded the train that it would be rough. I thought of when we used to text each other in the morning to say have a great day, I love you, can't wait to see you tonight, and my heart broke for the thousandth time. But I held in the tears as best I could.
The first crying spell came at noon, when I saw someone from my team who hugged me and said she wanted to take all of the pain away and make everything better. She had a similar experience with a family member years ago and could relate to the suddenness and sadness and heartbreak. It was the most honest and real expression of feeling that I have heard through all of this, and all of the sadness and feelings rushed into my head at that moment. It also was so upsetting to me because I was the partner, the boss that my team looked up to, and now I was reduced to a sad mess of a woman, a WIDOW. I am a human with feelings, but don't like people to know that, especially at work, but now everyone sees my raw emotion, and I see the looks in their eyes...looks that say they feel sorry for me, that it is awkward, that there are no words.
After that I then proceeded to cry during a break from a meeting when I saw my phone next to my computer, and remembered how we used to text throughout the day, just three hearts, or three smiles, or a simple I love you. I looked forward to those texts and had my phone by me to make sure I didn't miss them. It was pointless to have my phone out, you can no longer text me.
I cried in Grand Central Station, remembering how we met there by the clock to go on one of our first dates. I cried by the wine store there when I remembered how you picked out and bought me a couple of good bottles of pinot noir to impress me (including Flowers, one of our long-time favorites). I cried on the train home; the texting thing again, and watching people talk to their husbands and wives on the phone about what was for dinner, what errands to run before returning home, or how their day went. I cried when I got off of the train, remembering how you used to pick me up and were waiting outside in the parking lot with our puppy Murphy on the leash, you smiling and waving and his little tail wagging vigorously, both waiting for the family to be reunited. I cried in the car, finally letting out the huge sobs and rivers of tears that I had tried so hard to hold in. Holding it in doesn't help. It really doesn't work either, because it all comes out at the end of the day.
Overall, sounds like a success, right? I actually did manage to get some work done, and hide from others that I know because I didn't want to cry more than I had been already. Going back tomorrow, it should be easier now that the first time is out of the way.
Love you so much CW, I miss your face and your smile.