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Thirty Days Later

Send a note and share a memory: I remember when a house became a home.

Dear Cullen,

I can't believe it's been one month since the car accident, when I lost you forever: my husband, my best friend, my person. I miss you every day, every hour, every second. I have been trying to keep myself busy as so many people recommend, to try to "deal with" my grief. Truthfully, every little thing I do reminds me of you, so I'm not sure it's helping. The manual labor and working out helps I suppose (the endorphins?), and my brain is focused partially on something else other than the huge void in my life that I blame on your stupid new car.

I put together the new teak furniture we ordered from Frontgate, and I was reminded about how excited you were to finally own "good" outdoor furniture as opposed to the "crap" furniture we were using from the Norwalk house, and to finally get lounge chairs. I also remembered talking about how much we looked forward to the summer, relaxing in the pool after stressful days at work. After crying and yelling through the chair and table assembly, I got it done. Not too hard, I was the always the one with an affection for power tools, but I will say that  carrying the table to the back yard by myself pre-assembly was a PIA (your favorite abbreviation), it probably weighed at least 200 pounds. I did it by myself, although it was touch-and-go for awhile when I had to get the huge table through the gate to the pool and my basic math (or geometry?) skills had to kick in - something like a square peg in a round hole but I figured it out.

Letters to Cullen - The new teak furniture from Frontgate - I assembled it by myself, it wasn't hard.

I told you when we ordered it that I could do it by myself!

I also completed most of the "admin" things we talked about, such as having the trees removed, the new tress in the front planted, house power-washed, scheduling the roof cleaning and staining, hiring a plumber to fix the master bathtub pipe that was leaking and the outdoor faucet that cracked (yes, he confirmed that I did leave the hose on the faucet too long in the winter, and I will definitely not be doing that again). I also cleaned the oven! Your love of cooking caught up with the oven, and I broke down and used the chemical stuff because as you were aware the baking soda method that I found on YouTube was a huge mess, it looked like drug dealers were hiding cocaine in the oven. I also cleaned in between the glass in the oven door like you wanted to get rid of the huge white streaks that I created from trying to be green (didn't totally work yet, need to do it again).

I'm going back to work tomorrow, I think accounting will be a distraction and something "normal" I can do. I got used to not working, but since I'm still crying at various points during every day, it is worth a try to focus on something else that I'm familiar with, because I'm not really good at the grieving wife thing. It sucks. 

Love you lots,

M.A. Walsh

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  • Lis on

    I randomly found your site— you are an incredibly talented artist! I clicked on your blog and I want to say I am so sorry for the loss of your husband who truly sounds like the most wonderful person anyone would be lucky enough to know. You are one incredibly strong woman and I am glad the writing and the art are helping you in the grieving process. I admire your strength and am saying prayers for you that you continue to be so strong and the future brings you much happiness.

  • Steph Tambwe on

    I heard your story just now through Cathy’s podcast as well. You are so brave, courageous and amazing!! Your art work is beautiful. Sending you love and positive energy 💗


    Stephanie Tambwe

  • Anne Sibley on

    Hi there,
    I learned about you through Cathy’s podcast, you are such a brave soul and a talented artist! I am a musician from CT living in California raising my kids. My husband and I sing together. Sending hugs and best wishes and thank you for bravely putting your art into the world!
    Anne Sibley

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